~ Psyche-Utopia ~

Me, Myself, Life & Reality!

2007-11-21T09:39:00.000+04:00

I'm here sitting beside the window and while I gaze at the cold blue sky, I wonder about life, myself, and reality. I wish I could spend all my life just lying down in the middle of nowhere gazing at the endless sky all day long. Wouldn't it be nice if reality were to be a dream and if all of us could smile till the very end?

What exactly is life? It's something that I haven't been able to comprehend totally yet. When I look at life I just find it complicated and yet so simple. I guess this is the part where I become a walking-talking contradiction. Maybe it's just me stuck in a whirlpool of emotions? Emotions remind me of how my mood swings like a pendulum. At times I wonder if anyone would ever understand me: the real me.

"I know you" is not something anyone on this planet can honestly say to me. No one knows me. Half the time, I don't even know myself. As we spend our lives living in a charade of masks, we often forget ourselves. Losing ourselves, we forget who we truly are and, in itself, mold ourselves into something that we are not. Sewn into a life of falsehood we establish false identities living in a life of lies. What treachery is this?! This treachery my friend is what we call "reality".

Forget everything and pause for a moment to think about the shadows of your life!

Lost

2007-11-20T23:22:00.000+04:00

Do you ever feel like you're rotting inside? That your body aches and your bones strain? Tears spill from my eyes every time I think of how things are going. Nothing is working. Everything is so fucked up! I’m tired all the time; I’m alone most of the time; I’m lost with a map in my hand and I need a sign. So much change has occurred: loss, adjustment, realization. They all happen at once and they all happen so fast. What am I to do? I remain lost in my own thoughts for I'm the son of all lost hope and love. I feel lost and I feel as if no one will ever find me.

I’m wandering through a never ending graveyard: a graveyard of empty faces, broken dreams, diseased hearts, and lonely eyes. And all this time I thought that I was not like those under the earth, but I was.When you’re rotting, you don’t recover and go home with rosy red cheeks and a happy smile. You go to your future home: a home in an oblong box, a deep dirt hole. But there is this one piece that I can’t find. The puzzle pieces are missing and the pattern is lost in my mind, hidden by the fabricated adventures of my psyche.

Doomsday's

2007-03-12T04:07:00.000+04:00

:: 12th March 2007 ::

Not the type of guy that's used to writing blogs. But I have my emotions take over from time to time. And one of those moments would be now. What do I want? What do I want to achieve? Do I know myself completely? What kind of a person am I? What does life hold for me? - The list of questions just keeps on going forever. All questions that I haven't got answers to. 12th March 2007 > One of those other days in my life that I thought was one of the special days for me. But it turned out to be the opposite this time. It was special. But in which sense that's hard for me explain.

:: 17th March 2007 ::

Looking back to those old days the only thing that I get reminded of are the mistakes that I've made and how much I wish I could restart all over again. But regretting now, does that help? Ofcourse not. How much ever I keep regretting over the things I've done in the past it just wouldn't ever help. I guess I've suffered enough, learnt enough from all those mistakes but still, can things get back to the way they were? Can I live along with a smile and hold no sorrow in my heart? - I wish. Looking outside the window I see how beautiful the world is. As I keep staring at the greenery and the deep blue seas, I feel lost. I get lost into deep thoughts and fall into this black hole of so called depression. How much I wish life could have buttons like those of a remote. Specially the rewind button. How many things in life we wish we could have or we could be. What exactly is life? It's something that I haven't been able to comprehend totally yet. Simply saying life is just too complicated. I'm not generalizing here but am just talking about the way I feel. I'm eighteen and I feel I've gone through the best and worst times that one could. I'm one guy that goes through these so called erratic mood swings. One of my friends say that my mood is such that it swings like a pendulum. Suddenly this wave of depression passes by and I'm totally soaked in depression. Why am I depressed? I just have no idea what so ever. The word mood swings makes me think of the sin curve. Something similar as such could be related to my mood. Why am I in a mood of writing all these random stuff again I just have no idea. Maybe it's her. It's been a year since we broke up and she's still lingering around in my mind. Perhaps you could say love is such. At times I feel like crying but I've come to a point where tears wont flow. Does that mean I've gotten cold? Maybe. Till now I haven't totally underestood myself nor have I found one who totally does. There were times when I felt like getting over her, taking her off mind my and moving on. But after endless trying and no success I just gave up. Just felt totally wierd. Those mistakes, how much I wish I could go back and change things. What's the use now that I have realized how important she is to me and I cant have her back? What the use? Do I just keep suffering like this whole life long. Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying around this fake smile around everyone and sometimes it's like I'm being too open and getting everyone worried. So many questions and no answers. Some may say I'm whining, then so be it. Tried calling her on her birthday but she wont pick up. Not even ready to talk for a while. Is this the aftermath after a relationship ends? Few hours before midnight of 12th March I was standing in front of this beach. High tides rushing in from far off the sea. That sound of those tides clashing with each other, the view of the sea getting violent, how peaceful and relaxing it was I just cant explain it in words. I felt like as if I was getting absorbed into the sea although I was quite far away...